Too Far Gone?

I remember happiness, like I remember that I went to the mountains as a child. I know I went, and that it was lovely, but I can't really re-call the exact way that I felt, or the exact experience, and I don't know if I will ever feel it again. I remember when things were perfect, and we didn't have a care in the world...but really, even then things didn't seem perfect to us, but now, I'd give anything to have that back. I know that all I have now, is all I deserve...and all I've ever really deserved which is why, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how many times I've risen above, in different situations, different areas, different aspects, of my life, I always get right back to this point. So all I can really do is accept it. I'm no longer going to strive for things I so obviously shouldn't have, instead I'm just going to be thankful for the little that I do have, pray to God that I don't lose it, and try to accept the realization that, aside from related to my children, happiness, amazement, wonderment, and love are something that is in my past, and will never be in my future. It sucks, i won't lie. But so very few things in life don't. Although this may be my destiny, if there even is such a thing, only God knows that for sure, anyways, if this is mine, all I can do, and will do with every ounce of my being is make sure that it is not my childrens. It's gone on for too long now. Too many generations of suffering. It ends here. My children are perfect, beautiful, amazing, people who only deserve happiness in everything they do...and while I know that's not possible, I intend to make sure they NEVER suffer in some of the ways that I have. There are just some lessons that no one should have to learn first hand. Thank you Lord for your continued blessings, please restore us, You are the ONLY one who can, all my faith rests in you. Please watch over my children and keep them safe and healthy. Give them all the good things they deserve in life, and reserve all the bad for me, so that they may not endure it. Please heal Kenny physically, Jason emotionally, myself emotionally, and anyone and everyone else that we know who needs healing in one way or another. You are the light, the truth, and our salvation, and all of our hopes rest in You. Please also let this baby be born happy and healthy, into a stress free environment. And please give me the strength just to make it through this life. All these favors we ask in Your glorious, and faithful name. Amen.

Nestle's Unethical Business Practices...Genocide by formula feeding?

Please understand that I have MUCH research to do on this issue, and that I am not judging you for formula feeding if you chose to do so...I was forced to do so with my oldest b/c I didn't know many of the methods available to increase milk production, and my work would not work with me to allow me to pump as often as i needed, so my supply dried up. When i was formula feeding, until we switched to the Wamart "Gentle" formula, we used Nestle Goodstart Gentleease...it was the only formula we could fee my son without him having a difficult time digesting it...I am now sickened to learn the type of company I was supporting, and more over, I feel very foolish that I was oblivious to their business practices until now. But, I know now, and as a breastfeeding advocate, I feel compelled to share. Here is a great article http://tinyurl.com/ycx7vtg , and if you google Nestle Boycott, and/or Nestle Ethics you will get lots of info too...just remember to use discernment and your best judgement when reading internet info...and please join me in the effort to increase breastfeeding awareness and comfort by displaying breastfeeding imagery to increase comfort with public breastfeeding. I'll be posting some pics here, and some on my facebook as well. Also, please join me in boycotting Nestle in the future, for it to make a difference, it needs to be on a large scale so it will affect there profit margin, so if we want to make a difference, we need to join together. Feel free to leave comments, and links to any good info if you have it!

Dear Makers of Carmex...

I love your product. I love the click-sticks in particular. However...is there any possible way you can make it taste less like mold...particularly when mixed/in contact with anything edible? It would make your product much more enjoyable to use. :D

Sincerely, a loyal user.

About this blog...

I thought I might take a minute to post what this blog is...and what this blog isn't...this blog IS a place for me to share my opinions on anything and everything I want, a place for me to share stories of encouragement, enlightenment, love, life, and everything in between. It's a place for me to blog about my family, and what's going on with us. It's a place for me to post my thoughts, and worries, and just get things off my chest. It's a place for me to advocate for things that I believe in. I hope that you will enjoy reading the random things that I feel compelled to write and will return often! However, I may not always use spell check, i don't really care if I use proper grammar or not, and because I have lost my brain to pregnancy, I may not always use the exact word I was wanting to use, or that may be best fit. What this blog is NOT, is a place to bash me, or my opinions. They are just opinions, and much like I am entitled to mine, so are you entitled to yours. It is not a place where I will pretend to be an authority on things that I have no reason to be an authority on, such as without having extensive schooling, or having done extensive research on the topic. I will not attempt to force my views or beliefs on anyone or anything, though I do hope that maybe I might open the eyes of some close minded individuals. I really feel that part of God's calling for my life is to break down walls and misconceptions about the Christian religion. Oh, and that's another thing...if you're not Christian, GREAT, please come and read anyways, I don't judge you, just as I hope you don't judge me. I happen to believe in God the Father...if you believe in Buddha, that's your business, and your right. I won't get offended if you tell me Happy Hanukkah, so please don't get offended if I tell you Merry Christmas, or God Bless. That's about it, please subscribe, or follow me, or whatever it is you do, so you don't miss a post, and Have a wonderful day!

12 weeks pregnant...or so I thought...

Yes I'm huge, yes I know how big I am already, no I'm not having twins, at least that I know of, so please drop it. Not only am I not a small girl to begin with, this is my fourth pregnancy, so I think it's to be expected that my uterus is a little stretched, or at least knows what to do as soon as it is pregnant! LOL! Anyways, here's a few pics that I thought I was taking at 12 weeks, but after going to my appt, was more like almost 13 weeks...more will be coming at 16 weeks, and every four weeks until the last month, then weekly until I deliver. :D Enjoy...or at least don't point out how huge I am...

Days of Summer...

Although I know it's a little early, we had a very nice day about two weeks ago (yes I'm really late in posting this, if you know me, it's no surprise by now that I'm behind.) Anyways, it was a beautiful day, and it felt like summer, I believe it was a Sunday. The temperature was in the high 70's to low 80's all day, and it was just warm and sunny and beautiful. We decided to take a walk on the walking trail by our house that leads to a cute little park that the kids like (who am I kidding, they like any park that has a "SWIDE!!!!" "SWIDE MAMA!".) It is a nature type trail, with just beautiful surroundings almost the whole way. Jason picked me a really good smelling flower, and the kid saw some Geese, and goslings, and some dogs along the way (which made for some fun for us since we had our dogs with us!) After we were done walking, and playing at the park, and walking some more to get back to our vehicle, we did what we've done in summers past after our walks, and went to Dairy Queen. It was a sweet ending, to an already sweet day, and nothing can compete with seeing your 16 month old eat an ice cream cone for the first time! Hopefully many more days of Summer are ahead of us!

Awesome Contest over on Brittany's Blog...

(Sorry if I spelled your name wrong, i spelled it like my sisters! LOL!) But Brittany, over at 4 Little Men and Girly Twins, was raving about her awesome silk bracelets from one of the artisans, Gremadcha, from one of my favorite places...ETSY! So, head on over, check out Gramadcha's stuff, then go leave a comment about what you want on Brittany's blog, and be entered to win! :D

So, I just realized...

I've never posted photos on this blog, except for on the sidebar, and now that I have my blog all spiffified with a pretty new layout, I'm going to really start trying to use it more...so I thought I'd post up some new photo's of us...

We'll go from youngest to oldest...

Caitlyn



Coby





Please take note of the one with the funny face...my son is forever twisting his face into funny, strange, and often hilarious expressions...I really should carry my camera around, ready all the time, to capture some of the faces he makes...

Mama


Daddy





Playin' with the kiddies...

and just for fun...

Mama and Daddy


Enjoy! More to come, and hopefully lot's more posting! Monthly belly shots starting Wednesday this week! :D First midwife appointment today...I'll either update later, or Tweet about it...

Blog Layout Giveaway!!!

I just entered to win a make-over for my blog here . You can too! Check it out now!

Reflections...Release...

i'm hoping that by writing this my brain will quiet, and i will be able to focus on the more important, however more mundane tasks of the day. The description that Hermione gives, of a woman's mind, in OotP is so true...where Ron then states "One person couldn't possibly think all that! Their head'd explode!" Well, our heads don't explode do they ladies...but they do spin. Especially for those of us that have any adequate number of brain cells. i have so much on my mind today for whatever reason. i just feel intense...and i don't like it. Hmmm, where to even start...

Love Never Fails...a lovely sentiment, and yet, it can mean so many things. Just because it never fails, it also does not give any light to it's strength, or how it succeeds...love never fails...but it can change, and manipulate....and do things you would never imagine.

I used to always truly believe that every person has one soul mate in life....not even just someone they love, but someone that they are truly intented for...nieve...yes...optimistic..yes...but I'm trying so hard lately not to harden my heart...darken my views, and slip into pessimism. Anyways...I used to truly believe that...I still do to some extent, but there is a part of me now that questions. Do we end up with who we do b/c of our circumstances, and how we react? Could it be possible that there are really any number of people on this planet that we could be happy with, and that it's all a matter of chance who ends up being the actual one we decide on? Or...could it only appear that way, even though we really were intended to be with, who we're with, from the very beginning?

It also goes without saying, that as time passes, the once exciting, becomes routine. How do you bring in change and keep things interesting? How do you rekindle passion, and desire...excitement, and electricity...or do you even need to? Is it merely a stage, that will never be revisited?

Something that scares me...that I can tell at this very minute is in my nature, is that I now have an understanding of some of my fathers actions in life. While I don't condone them in the least...it scares me that a small part of me can empathize. Something I read the other day said a pisces is never truly satisfied...and that they tend to flit from thing to thing to feed their constand desire for change...for excitement. This describes my father to a T...and quite honestly...in my crating/hobby life, it describes me as well. I have to be really passionate about something for it to truly hold my interest for an extended period of time. So then that begs the gut wretching question of ... would it be possible for this quality to spill over into other area's of my life? I hope not. I've said for the entirety of my life thus far...that my one and only MAJOR goal, is to not end up life my father...and some of my siblings for that matter...so the question is...will I remain happy enough...or be willing to be miserable enough, whichever the case may be should something arise, when the time comes?

This really is very theraputic...I should do it more often...but I don't have the time. Why? I'm not sure...honestly, I caught a horrible procrastination bug about 4 years ago, and for whatever reason I just can't shake it! It seems the only things I can get done quickly and efficiently like I used to be able to, are things that i am extremely passionate about...or things that are of dire importance. I don't know what's wrong with me...I never used to be this way....I used to have loads and loads of things to do...and always get all of them done...and so now, it doesn't feel right not to have loads to do...but I hate having loads to do, and then being able to get it done and let others down. It's a vicious cycle...and my fatigue is not helping...I presume it will be in full force soon.

i really do love to write..i just wish I had more interesting things to say, and possibly more intelligent! Bt I am what I am, and I do what I can, and that's all I can do. I think i am going to start working on my character history today, so that should be a fun change of pace, and get some creative juices flowing.

I suppose that's all for now, but the release I feel is great, so i know I will be returning often, to empty my mind, and calm my heart.

Awakening...

Ugh, I don't even know where to begin. I don't plan for much on this site to sound proffessionally written, more like me talking, and just thinking out loud.

Looking back on past blog posts and such, I feel like I've changed so much again since some of them were written. There's so many things that have laid dormant in me for so long. That I'd given up on a long time ago, and in doing so lost a piece of myself. Well, I'm sick of that. I've never been a quitter! I've never given up easily! It's time for a change. One of my biggest problems was support...not having support for the things you want to do, makes them that much more difficult, but you know what, I want my sense of self back, so I'm going to trudge ahead! I'm at a point in my life, where there are people that I thought would support me in anything I wanted to do...who would be here for me no matter what...and that's weakened me...I've used it as a crutch...but no more. I never had help or support growing up, I just had me...so I trudged on, and made it without anyone else. That's what I need to do again now. There are people in my life that I love with every ounce of my being, and I hope that they will stay beside me...but if not, I'll keep doing what I'm used to, relying on myself to get through, and to make something better for myself.

There's a part of me that has been dead for the last few years...I killed it b/c I thought that's what I was supposed to do...but I refuse to believe that we can't have what we want if we try hard enough. I refuse to believe that there are goals too big...unrealistic...maybe...but that's me. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE being "Kelley the Wife" and "Kelley the Mom" but, I also just want to be Kelley. I've gotten so lost in wanting to do these other parts of me well, that I've lost the things that make me, me. But now, I'm going to get them back. It won't be easy, and it might not even be fun...but no one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.

I also realize that change isn't easy to swallow for some. That some of you will read this and wonder what is going on, or who I am...realize that this is the me I've been all along...but was just hiding away for a bit. Realize that there are things that will never change, and realize that I need you more than you know. I'm so sick of people in my life letting me down, so I'm done. Either you're with me, or don't bother. I don't have the time or the energy for people in my life that care too much about themselves to ever think of others.

There are a lot of things I'm still confused about right now...that I don't know exactly what I want...but I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure it out...I'm trying to find a balance and make the most of every day, and this one and only life I have.

So if you're with me, I welcome you with open arms...and if you're not, I'm better off.

"Favorite Past-times"

I'm starting a new series called "Favorite Past-times" in which I will re-visit happenings from my youth...sometimes good, sometimes bad, some will have lessons, and some will just be memorable for one reason or another! Hopefully all will be entertaining! ;) I'd love it if you join me too! I'm going to get a button up soon...but if you decide to join, just post whenever the mood strikes, and something that fits comes along! Don't forget to link back to this blog when you do!

So here's my first

It's an incredible thing...young love, first love, the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and well, loved. I still remember it clearly... I was going along, the same as any other day, doing what I had always done, and really feeling slightly depressed from being so overwhelmed with school work and extra-curricular activities.

I was caught completely off-guard. I never would have guessed in a million years, that this handsome, desirable (as in others were interested), older (by two years) guy would be interested in talking to me...and as it turns out dating me! He said Hello! And I replied. He introduced himself, and I remember feeling a little nervous, and the next thing I know, he was asking me over to hang out, then to be his girlfriend! All in a whirl whind of about 2 days time. I was on top of the world. I can't really describe it, but I'll do my best! It was such an incredible feeling to feel wanted, interesting, attractive, and well, just good enough. It was a very happy day. Although it didn't end well, I won't likely forget it anytime soon. It's a wonderous thing to feel confident and loved after many years of feeling unworthy and unloved, and not thin enough. If I could bottle it, and sell it...I would. Possibly more to come on this later...it's off to bed for me right now though.;D

Done

I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done being the optimist, the caretaker, the peoplepleaser, the person who always tries to help others, the person who cares about everyone, but that no one cares about. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of letting people down, b/c I'm trying not to let anyone down. I'm sick of going nowhere b/c I'm trying to go everywhere. I'm sick of wanting more, when all I have, and will ever have is what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my beautiful children, and my loving husband, that lord only knows why he actually loves me, but otherwise, I'm done trying. B/c as the saying goes "never try, never fail." It's not ambitious, it's not optimistic, but it's safe. I don't have to worry about being successful, or accomplished, all I have to worry about is getting through each day. And like I've told my husband, I'll be miserable, but at least everyone else will be happy, and at least I can be at peace knowing that there aren't a million and one things to do, for a million and one people, and a million and one things I want to do to help others, that will just go un-noticed anyways. I'm not happy about it...but I just need to start realizing, that this isn't a dream, I can't make my dreams come true, or even my goals aparently. This is just the way things are, and that's that. Well, now that that's out of the way back to finishing up more shit for other people so that I can finally be released of doing anything for others (except for my children and husband, I'll still do for them.)

I used to think that if I could help just one person, or make a difference in just one persons life than it would be worth it...but I haven't...and it's not. Even now I feel guilty that I'm being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but it is, what it is. I'm just not that person aparently. I'm not the person that people want to hang out with, or that people want to listen to, or work with...I just fade into the background. Try as I may, I just fade into the background...there won't be any legacy left like I always hoped, just empty shoes that some other nobody will fill.

Please, Please, be praying for Sweet Cora and her Family

I came across Cora's story this morning, and was heartbroken. I could not imagine only having two rough weeks spent in the hospital left with my children. I pray for wisdom and peace for Cora's parents, and for understanding. Understanding not only that God will carry them through this, and heal them, but understanding that there are things in this world far beyond our control, and many different forces, and wills, working. I pray that they will not think that this is punishment from God in anyway, but that they will just look to him for peace and comfort.

When did it become taboo...

When did it become taboo to hope? When did it become abnormal to pray, to wish, to have faith, and desire for good things to happen? It makes me sad. Maybe it is just the fact that I am an optimist by nature, but I choose to believe more that it is my human nature that I just cannot ignore, that so many of us have been trained to ignore, and if we just look deep enough we can find it again. There are some things that I want so badly to happen right now, and even thought it's kind of a long shot, we need it so badly, and I want it so badly that I can't help but hope that it happens, be somewhat excited and anxious about it, and pray profusely about it. Lord I just pray that Your will shall be done, that we will have peace with what happens, and that we will feel that whatever You do, You're doing because that is what is best for our family. I also pray that you will help Leah, through this difficult time, and that you will allow her to carry a strong, healthy, beautiful baby and that she will have a happy, healthy, uneventful pregnancy!

So anyway, my life has basically become very stressful as of late, particularly just this evening as I'm sitting her knitting while everyone else in the house is sleeping. I started thinking about all the things that will be coming about in the next few months here and the possible outcomes for each, and then more and more started flooding in, and it just started to get overwhelming! Most of them i feel pretty optimistic about, but then I wonder if I shouldn't and if it's just me. I don't really want to mention what these things are, b/c I would just rather wait and see what happens (and no it has nothing to do with me reproducing! LOL!) before I post specifics. The things that get's me though and that makes me second guess myself is that even though I am excited and driven, and ready to move forward, and hoping for the best, Honey-bun remains cautiously, indifferent. He's not negative per se, just not positive, and whenever we talk I can here the apprehension in his voice, and can tell that he won't let himself get excited so easily.

So my question to you is this...is there a reason I shouldn't be hopeful? Is there a reason that we should be negative when we are unsure of the outcome of something? What does that help? Maybe you think his life experiences have taught hime more of failure than of victory, but I can tell you nothing is further from the truth, and that if that is true for anyone, it is me. I don't let that stop me though. If I let that stop me, or other things, or people stop me, I'd never get anywhere! So am I one of the few optimists left out there today? Or do you believe, that maybe, just maybe, hoping, praying, wishing, whatever you do, is still beneficial, and helps the outcome. I just can't help but believe that sometimes, despite our best efforts, if we are negative about how something will end up, it usually end's up that way, but if we maintain a positive attitude, and pray about it, there is a good chance the odd's will be swayed the other direction!

I love the saying "Do or Don't; there is no try." Believe it or not I saw that on a cheerleading t-shirt! I just love it though. To me it makes complete sense, and is a great motivator, and if we go into something with that attitude though, how can we say we are going to "do" with the attitude about us that we "won't."

So I guess more than anything, this is just a post to vent. To get my thoughts out there. To open up some prayers to the Lord, and to hopefully just feel better, calmer and more at peace with all aspects of my life right now. Thanks for listening, and for reading this super long post! God Bless! :D