I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done being the optimist, the caretaker, the peoplepleaser, the person who always tries to help others, the person who cares about everyone, but that no one cares about. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of letting people down, b/c I'm trying not to let anyone down. I'm sick of going nowhere b/c I'm trying to go everywhere. I'm sick of wanting more, when all I have, and will ever have is what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my beautiful children, and my loving husband, that lord only knows why he actually loves me, but otherwise, I'm done trying. B/c as the saying goes "never try, never fail." It's not ambitious, it's not optimistic, but it's safe. I don't have to worry about being successful, or accomplished, all I have to worry about is getting through each day. And like I've told my husband, I'll be miserable, but at least everyone else will be happy, and at least I can be at peace knowing that there aren't a million and one things to do, for a million and one people, and a million and one things I want to do to help others, that will just go un-noticed anyways. I'm not happy about it...but I just need to start realizing, that this isn't a dream, I can't make my dreams come true, or even my goals aparently. This is just the way things are, and that's that. Well, now that that's out of the way back to finishing up more shit for other people so that I can finally be released of doing anything for others (except for my children and husband, I'll still do for them.)
I used to think that if I could help just one person, or make a difference in just one persons life than it would be worth it...but I haven't...and it's not. Even now I feel guilty that I'm being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but it is, what it is. I'm just not that person aparently. I'm not the person that people want to hang out with, or that people want to listen to, or work with...I just fade into the background. Try as I may, I just fade into the background...there won't be any legacy left like I always hoped, just empty shoes that some other nobody will fill.
Beyond the Rough Edges
12 hours ago