Sunday, March 1, 2009

Done

I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done being the optimist, the caretaker, the peoplepleaser, the person who always tries to help others, the person who cares about everyone, but that no one cares about. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of letting people down, b/c I'm trying not to let anyone down. I'm sick of going nowhere b/c I'm trying to go everywhere. I'm sick of wanting more, when all I have, and will ever have is what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my beautiful children, and my loving husband, that lord only knows why he actually loves me, but otherwise, I'm done trying. B/c as the saying goes "never try, never fail." It's not ambitious, it's not optimistic, but it's safe. I don't have to worry about being successful, or accomplished, all I have to worry about is getting through each day. And like I've told my husband, I'll be miserable, but at least everyone else will be happy, and at least I can be at peace knowing that there aren't a million and one things to do, for a million and one people, and a million and one things I want to do to help others, that will just go un-noticed anyways. I'm not happy about it...but I just need to start realizing, that this isn't a dream, I can't make my dreams come true, or even my goals aparently. This is just the way things are, and that's that. Well, now that that's out of the way back to finishing up more shit for other people so that I can finally be released of doing anything for others (except for my children and husband, I'll still do for them.)

I used to think that if I could help just one person, or make a difference in just one persons life than it would be worth it...but I haven't...and it's not. Even now I feel guilty that I'm being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but it is, what it is. I'm just not that person aparently. I'm not the person that people want to hang out with, or that people want to listen to, or work with...I just fade into the background. Try as I may, I just fade into the background...there won't be any legacy left like I always hoped, just empty shoes that some other nobody will fill.

1 comment:

CelticMommy said...

(OMG I am now officially talking to myself!)

You do matter, what you do and how you make a difference does matter... you are taken for granted and when... many many MANY years from now... when you are gone, you will be missed and a hole will be left that cannot be filled by any other.

The love and difference you make in your children's lives is irreplaceable. The love you give and show until you are sapped up and dry, will not be forgotten by those two. Ever. And probably not by many more who never tell you how much they appreciate you and don't realize how much they probably take you for granted. It sucks being "the rock" sometimes.

I remember last year when I was crying to Rob about inconsiderate people... about how I am always the effort maker and how I love but was currently sick of being the "go to" girl in a crisis "the shoulder" for everyone to cry on... but that no one would listen to me. I was very depressed for a long time. Even the boys didn't make me happy.

I finally realized that I need to make me happy. When I die, no one comes along with me, so why not work harder for me once in a while. It is slow going but I am trying. A bath without toys or children just for me... a piece of chocolate that is MINE all mine! Ultimately, realizing that I matter and care about me helped me to think less and worry less about those who I toil for... and I don't mean my kids and hubby. I love them, but I mean my relatives and in-law family and friends who suck me dry!

You need to keep you happy FIRST. And, you do what you can for others because you love them, but never expect anything to ever happen where they go "Oh wow, you really care... THANK YOU!" I rarely get that and I can tell you I get that unasked for by only one person in my life!

I came to your blog to just say hi, but now I'm leaving you with HUGS and HAPPY THOUGHTS! You matter to me my Gryff twin! We've never met and I already know you better than quite a lot of my friends! And, I think you know me better than some of them do as well.

I hope you have a wonderful day. Your gloves are very slow going with my blisters from gardening... hopefully out tomorrow.
Love, Hettie

P.S. Sorry this was so long!