Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I remember happiness, like I remember that I went to the mountains as a child. I know I went, and that it was lovely, but I can't really re-call the exact way that I felt, or the exact experience, and I don't know if I will ever feel it again. I remember when things were perfect, and we didn't have a care in the world...but really, even then things didn't seem perfect to us, but now, I'd give anything to have that back. I know that all I have now, is all I deserve...and all I've ever really deserved which is why, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how many times I've risen above, in different situations, different areas, different aspects, of my life, I always get right back to this point. So all I can really do is accept it. I'm no longer going to strive for things I so obviously shouldn't have, instead I'm just going to be thankful for the little that I do have, pray to God that I don't lose it, and try to accept the realization that, aside from related to my children, happiness, amazement, wonderment, and love are something that is in my past, and will never be in my future. It sucks, i won't lie. But so very few things in life don't. Although this may be my destiny, if there even is such a thing, only God knows that for sure, anyways, if this is mine, all I can do, and will do with every ounce of my being is make sure that it is not my childrens. It's gone on for too long now. Too many generations of suffering. It ends here. My children are perfect, beautiful, amazing, people who only deserve happiness in everything they do...and while I know that's not possible, I intend to make sure they NEVER suffer in some of the ways that I have. There are just some lessons that no one should have to learn first hand. Thank you Lord for your continued blessings, please restore us, You are the ONLY one who can, all my faith rests in you. Please watch over my children and keep them safe and healthy. Give them all the good things they deserve in life, and reserve all the bad for me, so that they may not endure it. Please heal Kenny physically, Jason emotionally, myself emotionally, and anyone and everyone else that we know who needs healing in one way or another. You are the light, the truth, and our salvation, and all of our hopes rest in You. Please also let this baby be born happy and healthy, into a stress free environment. And please give me the strength just to make it through this life. All these favors we ask in Your glorious, and faithful name. Amen.