Ugh, I don't even know where to begin. I don't plan for much on this site to sound proffessionally written, more like me talking, and just thinking out loud.
Looking back on past blog posts and such, I feel like I've changed so much again since some of them were written. There's so many things that have laid dormant in me for so long. That I'd given up on a long time ago, and in doing so lost a piece of myself. Well, I'm sick of that. I've never been a quitter! I've never given up easily! It's time for a change. One of my biggest problems was support...not having support for the things you want to do, makes them that much more difficult, but you know what, I want my sense of self back, so I'm going to trudge ahead! I'm at a point in my life, where there are people that I thought would support me in anything I wanted to do...who would be here for me no matter what...and that's weakened me...I've used it as a crutch...but no more. I never had help or support growing up, I just had me...so I trudged on, and made it without anyone else. That's what I need to do again now. There are people in my life that I love with every ounce of my being, and I hope that they will stay beside me...but if not, I'll keep doing what I'm used to, relying on myself to get through, and to make something better for myself.
There's a part of me that has been dead for the last few years...I killed it b/c I thought that's what I was supposed to do...but I refuse to believe that we can't have what we want if we try hard enough. I refuse to believe that there are goals too big...unrealistic...maybe...but that's me. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE being "Kelley the Wife" and "Kelley the Mom" but, I also just want to be Kelley. I've gotten so lost in wanting to do these other parts of me well, that I've lost the things that make me, me. But now, I'm going to get them back. It won't be easy, and it might not even be fun...but no one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.
I also realize that change isn't easy to swallow for some. That some of you will read this and wonder what is going on, or who I am...realize that this is the me I've been all along...but was just hiding away for a bit. Realize that there are things that will never change, and realize that I need you more than you know. I'm so sick of people in my life letting me down, so I'm done. Either you're with me, or don't bother. I don't have the time or the energy for people in my life that care too much about themselves to ever think of others.
There are a lot of things I'm still confused about right now...that I don't know exactly what I want...but I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure it out...I'm trying to find a balance and make the most of every day, and this one and only life I have.
So if you're with me, I welcome you with open arms...and if you're not, I'm better off.
To the Moms Who Become Grandmas
9 hours ago