Thursday, April 9, 2009


i'm hoping that by writing this my brain will quiet, and i will be able to focus on the more important, however more mundane tasks of the day. The description that Hermione gives, of a woman's mind, in OotP is so true...where Ron then states "One person couldn't possibly think all that! Their head'd explode!" Well, our heads don't explode do they ladies...but they do spin. Especially for those of us that have any adequate number of brain cells. i have so much on my mind today for whatever reason. i just feel intense...and i don't like it. Hmmm, where to even start...

Love Never Fails...a lovely sentiment, and yet, it can mean so many things. Just because it never fails, it also does not give any light to it's strength, or how it never fails...but it can change, and manipulate....and do things you would never imagine.

I used to always truly believe that every person has one soul mate in life....not even just someone they love, but someone that they are truly intented for...nieve...yes...optimistic..yes...but I'm trying so hard lately not to harden my heart...darken my views, and slip into pessimism. Anyways...I used to truly believe that...I still do to some extent, but there is a part of me now that questions. Do we end up with who we do b/c of our circumstances, and how we react? Could it be possible that there are really any number of people on this planet that we could be happy with, and that it's all a matter of chance who ends up being the actual one we decide on? Or...could it only appear that way, even though we really were intended to be with, who we're with, from the very beginning?

It also goes without saying, that as time passes, the once exciting, becomes routine. How do you bring in change and keep things interesting? How do you rekindle passion, and desire...excitement, and electricity...or do you even need to? Is it merely a stage, that will never be revisited?

Something that scares me...that I can tell at this very minute is in my nature, is that I now have an understanding of some of my fathers actions in life. While I don't condone them in the scares me that a small part of me can empathize. Something I read the other day said a pisces is never truly satisfied...and that they tend to flit from thing to thing to feed their constand desire for change...for excitement. This describes my father to a T...and quite my crating/hobby life, it describes me as well. I have to be really passionate about something for it to truly hold my interest for an extended period of time. So then that begs the gut wretching question of ... would it be possible for this quality to spill over into other area's of my life? I hope not. I've said for the entirety of my life thus far...that my one and only MAJOR goal, is to not end up life my father...and some of my siblings for that the question is...will I remain happy enough...or be willing to be miserable enough, whichever the case may be should something arise, when the time comes?

This really is very theraputic...I should do it more often...but I don't have the time. Why? I'm not sure...honestly, I caught a horrible procrastination bug about 4 years ago, and for whatever reason I just can't shake it! It seems the only things I can get done quickly and efficiently like I used to be able to, are things that i am extremely passionate about...or things that are of dire importance. I don't know what's wrong with me...I never used to be this way....I used to have loads and loads of things to do...and always get all of them done...and so now, it doesn't feel right not to have loads to do...but I hate having loads to do, and then being able to get it done and let others down. It's a vicious cycle...and my fatigue is not helping...I presume it will be in full force soon.

i really do love to write..i just wish I had more interesting things to say, and possibly more intelligent! Bt I am what I am, and I do what I can, and that's all I can do. I think i am going to start working on my character history today, so that should be a fun change of pace, and get some creative juices flowing.

I suppose that's all for now, but the release I feel is great, so i know I will be returning often, to empty my mind, and calm my heart.

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