I am so joyous and energetic this morning, and I know it can only be because I broke down, and allowed God's grace to overcome me. I have not purposely been pushing the Holy Spirit out, but I know by my actions, of self doubt, lack of self love, and self persecution I was keeping Him at bay. There have been things lying under the surface, that kept getting added into, here and there, for at least the last 6 months now, and finally, on Sunday, I had a prayer of sorts. It's actually slightly strange, because I did it in my mind, even though I had intended to do it physically, and just didn't get to it. There is no doubt in my mind though that this is what has caused me to be filled with the Holy Spirit, energetic, productive, and joyful this morning. Here's what happened.
As I said there have been many things happening over the last 6 months or more...these things range from financial, to our basic needs, to family problems, general chaos, changes in our daily routine, and changes in our family dynamic. Each thing brought with it new and challenging goals, and as I got busier and busier, I have been going to church less and less. I also have not been able to attend small group because of my schedule, lack of funds, and fatigue. I also was forced to step away from some of the ministries in my church that I have a HUGE passion for, because it was simply too much at that time. I was very down on myself because of all this. I felt like a failure. Like I was letting God down. I felt like things that I had always believed, where being shaken, and I was second guessing my beliefs in other areas. Then, on top of that, I have been rather busy, between the kids, the pregnancy, the holidays, Coby starting school, our finances, and trying to find a place to live and plan a move, and I have just been exhausted. I have been pushing ahead, claiming God as my strength and doing the best I can, but I know that I was trying to do it on my own still because I was not allowing my self to be loved by God and to receive his grace for my short comings. On Sunday, after waking up late and running around trying to get ready for church, only to not be ready until 10 which would have made us about a 1/2 hour late, and deciding that I did not want to arrive that late, I decided that I needed to go pray. I put on some worship music, and closed my eyes. I pictured myself escaping to my bedroom for a short period of time, and falling face down on the floor and crying out to God for help. I told Him my worries, asked for forgiveness, forgave others, and confessed that only, ONLY, through His divine power would I be able to accomplish the things that I need to do. When I was done envisioning this, I fully intended to go, and pray in that same way, but I was needed by the kids, and the house, and the animals, but I really think it just shows that God knows our hearts. He knew that I had planned to go physically pray that, truly, and when I couldn't, still heard the prayer of my heart, and answered it. I am so thankful that we serve a loving and AWESOME GOD! :)
I pray that all of you can allow yourselves to be covered in God's grace, and filled with the Holy Spirit, so that you may know true joy, and be amazed at the things that He can accomplish through you. :)
Beyond the Rough Edges
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