Exhausted

Ugh. I have dealt with so many challenges lately. I'm fine with it for the most part. That's basically been the way my entire life has been, but I have to say, I reach the point where I am just mentally exhausted sometimes, and this is one of those times. Physical exhaustion, and hormones both from being pregnant don't help at all either though. I am just so tired of always having to fight for everything I want though. I just for once would like something to go my way, without me having to debate, and struggle.

Honestly, I don't even normally mind debating. I actually enjoy it. It gets old though when I have to do it all the time, for everything I believe in. I don't mind standing up for what I believe in, but it gets exhausting when I feel like I am being judged, and it's simply out of ignorance.

I just want to live my life with my husband and kids, and have all of us be happy and my kids be smart and successful..

It also hurts that a lot of the people that I'm close to, that are supposed to love me, don't believe in me at all. I find it interesting that people I haven't known for as long believe in me, and see the things I accomplish and think it's impressive, yet nothing I do is ever enough for my family.

I work my but off, I take care of our three kids, I try to keep the house clean, and it should be even better in the new house because it is set up much better, but, I still try, and I think I do pretty well. On top of that, I'm pregnant, I'm still working on customs, which for some reason are never considered a priority by anyone but me, and I'm trying to work on things for my kids and spend time with them so I can still be a good mom to them...but to some people, because I don't ditch my kids with a sitter for 12 hours a day, and go work a job I hate, only to come home, put my kids in bed, clean what I can, and crawl in bed, never doing anything I enjoy, then I must be miserable, because nothing but money could possibly make me or my family happy. I mean the idea that a family doesn't need every material possession under the sun, or all the latest fashions, or a brand new vehicle, or to eat out constantly, or all the newest video games, etc etc etc to be happy, is completely foreign to so many people that it makes me sad! I can't believe the number of people that would rather work 60 or 70 hours a week, and never see their kids just so that they can buy stuff they don't need, rather then work less, have less, but have everything by having more time with their kids.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now. I needed to vent. I know God will provide for our family because He is awesome and wonderful, and He always does. I know that we know what we need to be happy, and that's all that really matters.

So glad He's back!

I am so joyous and energetic this morning, and I know it can only be because I broke down, and allowed God's grace to overcome me. I have not purposely been pushing the Holy Spirit out, but I know by my actions, of self doubt, lack of self love, and self persecution I was keeping Him at bay. There have been things lying under the surface, that kept getting added into, here and there, for at least the last 6 months now, and finally, on Sunday, I had a prayer of sorts. It's actually slightly strange, because I did it in my mind, even though I had intended to do it physically, and just didn't get to it. There is no doubt in my mind though that this is what has caused me to be filled with the Holy Spirit, energetic, productive, and joyful this morning. Here's what happened.

As I said there have been many things happening over the last 6 months or more...these things range from financial, to our basic needs, to family problems, general chaos, changes in our daily routine, and changes in our family dynamic. Each thing brought with it new and challenging goals, and as I got busier and busier, I have been going to church less and less. I also have not been able to attend small group because of my schedule, lack of funds, and fatigue. I also was forced to step away from some of the ministries in my church that I have a HUGE passion for, because it was simply too much at that time. I was very down on myself because of all this. I felt like a failure. Like I was letting God down. I felt like things that I had always believed, where being shaken, and I was second guessing my beliefs in other areas. Then, on top of that, I have been rather busy, between the kids, the pregnancy, the holidays, Coby starting school, our finances, and trying to find a place to live and plan a move, and I have just been exhausted. I have been pushing ahead, claiming God as my strength and doing the best I can, but I know that I was trying to do it on my own still because I was not allowing my self to be loved by God and to receive his grace for my short comings. On Sunday, after waking up late and running around trying to get ready for church, only to not be ready until 10 which would have made us about a 1/2 hour late, and deciding that I did not want to arrive that late, I decided that I needed to go pray. I put on some worship music, and closed my eyes. I pictured myself escaping to my bedroom for a short period of time, and falling face down on the floor and crying out to God for help. I told Him my worries, asked for forgiveness, forgave others, and confessed that only, ONLY, through His divine power would I be able to accomplish the things that I need to do. When I was done envisioning this, I fully intended to go, and pray in that same way, but I was needed by the kids, and the house, and the animals, but I really think it just shows that God knows our hearts. He knew that I had planned to go physically pray that, truly, and when I couldn't, still heard the prayer of my heart, and answered it. I am so thankful that we serve a loving and AWESOME GOD! :)

I pray that all of you can allow yourselves to be covered in God's grace, and filled with the Holy Spirit, so that you may know true joy, and be amazed at the things that He can accomplish through you. :)