Awakening...

Ugh, I don't even know where to begin. I don't plan for much on this site to sound proffessionally written, more like me talking, and just thinking out loud.

Looking back on past blog posts and such, I feel like I've changed so much again since some of them were written. There's so many things that have laid dormant in me for so long. That I'd given up on a long time ago, and in doing so lost a piece of myself. Well, I'm sick of that. I've never been a quitter! I've never given up easily! It's time for a change. One of my biggest problems was support...not having support for the things you want to do, makes them that much more difficult, but you know what, I want my sense of self back, so I'm going to trudge ahead! I'm at a point in my life, where there are people that I thought would support me in anything I wanted to do...who would be here for me no matter what...and that's weakened me...I've used it as a crutch...but no more. I never had help or support growing up, I just had me...so I trudged on, and made it without anyone else. That's what I need to do again now. There are people in my life that I love with every ounce of my being, and I hope that they will stay beside me...but if not, I'll keep doing what I'm used to, relying on myself to get through, and to make something better for myself.

There's a part of me that has been dead for the last few years...I killed it b/c I thought that's what I was supposed to do...but I refuse to believe that we can't have what we want if we try hard enough. I refuse to believe that there are goals too big...unrealistic...maybe...but that's me. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE being "Kelley the Wife" and "Kelley the Mom" but, I also just want to be Kelley. I've gotten so lost in wanting to do these other parts of me well, that I've lost the things that make me, me. But now, I'm going to get them back. It won't be easy, and it might not even be fun...but no one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.

I also realize that change isn't easy to swallow for some. That some of you will read this and wonder what is going on, or who I am...realize that this is the me I've been all along...but was just hiding away for a bit. Realize that there are things that will never change, and realize that I need you more than you know. I'm so sick of people in my life letting me down, so I'm done. Either you're with me, or don't bother. I don't have the time or the energy for people in my life that care too much about themselves to ever think of others.

There are a lot of things I'm still confused about right now...that I don't know exactly what I want...but I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure it out...I'm trying to find a balance and make the most of every day, and this one and only life I have.

So if you're with me, I welcome you with open arms...and if you're not, I'm better off.

"Favorite Past-times"

I'm starting a new series called "Favorite Past-times" in which I will re-visit happenings from my youth...sometimes good, sometimes bad, some will have lessons, and some will just be memorable for one reason or another! Hopefully all will be entertaining! ;) I'd love it if you join me too! I'm going to get a button up soon...but if you decide to join, just post whenever the mood strikes, and something that fits comes along! Don't forget to link back to this blog when you do!

So here's my first

It's an incredible thing...young love, first love, the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and well, loved. I still remember it clearly... I was going along, the same as any other day, doing what I had always done, and really feeling slightly depressed from being so overwhelmed with school work and extra-curricular activities.

I was caught completely off-guard. I never would have guessed in a million years, that this handsome, desirable (as in others were interested), older (by two years) guy would be interested in talking to me...and as it turns out dating me! He said Hello! And I replied. He introduced himself, and I remember feeling a little nervous, and the next thing I know, he was asking me over to hang out, then to be his girlfriend! All in a whirl whind of about 2 days time. I was on top of the world. I can't really describe it, but I'll do my best! It was such an incredible feeling to feel wanted, interesting, attractive, and well, just good enough. It was a very happy day. Although it didn't end well, I won't likely forget it anytime soon. It's a wonderous thing to feel confident and loved after many years of feeling unworthy and unloved, and not thin enough. If I could bottle it, and sell it...I would. Possibly more to come on this later...it's off to bed for me right now though.;D

Done

I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done being the optimist, the caretaker, the peoplepleaser, the person who always tries to help others, the person who cares about everyone, but that no one cares about. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of letting people down, b/c I'm trying not to let anyone down. I'm sick of going nowhere b/c I'm trying to go everywhere. I'm sick of wanting more, when all I have, and will ever have is what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my beautiful children, and my loving husband, that lord only knows why he actually loves me, but otherwise, I'm done trying. B/c as the saying goes "never try, never fail." It's not ambitious, it's not optimistic, but it's safe. I don't have to worry about being successful, or accomplished, all I have to worry about is getting through each day. And like I've told my husband, I'll be miserable, but at least everyone else will be happy, and at least I can be at peace knowing that there aren't a million and one things to do, for a million and one people, and a million and one things I want to do to help others, that will just go un-noticed anyways. I'm not happy about it...but I just need to start realizing, that this isn't a dream, I can't make my dreams come true, or even my goals aparently. This is just the way things are, and that's that. Well, now that that's out of the way back to finishing up more shit for other people so that I can finally be released of doing anything for others (except for my children and husband, I'll still do for them.)

I used to think that if I could help just one person, or make a difference in just one persons life than it would be worth it...but I haven't...and it's not. Even now I feel guilty that I'm being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but it is, what it is. I'm just not that person aparently. I'm not the person that people want to hang out with, or that people want to listen to, or work with...I just fade into the background. Try as I may, I just fade into the background...there won't be any legacy left like I always hoped, just empty shoes that some other nobody will fill.