Awesome Contest over on Brittany's Blog...

(Sorry if I spelled your name wrong, i spelled it like my sisters! LOL!) But Brittany, over at 4 Little Men and Girly Twins, was raving about her awesome silk bracelets from one of the artisans, Gremadcha, from one of my favorite places...ETSY! So, head on over, check out Gramadcha's stuff, then go leave a comment about what you want on Brittany's blog, and be entered to win! :D

So, I just realized...

I've never posted photos on this blog, except for on the sidebar, and now that I have my blog all spiffified with a pretty new layout, I'm going to really start trying to use it more...so I thought I'd post up some new photo's of us...

We'll go from youngest to oldest...

Caitlyn



Coby





Please take note of the one with the funny face...my son is forever twisting his face into funny, strange, and often hilarious expressions...I really should carry my camera around, ready all the time, to capture some of the faces he makes...

Mama


Daddy





Playin' with the kiddies...

and just for fun...

Mama and Daddy


Enjoy! More to come, and hopefully lot's more posting! Monthly belly shots starting Wednesday this week! :D First midwife appointment today...I'll either update later, or Tweet about it...

Blog Layout Giveaway!!!

I just entered to win a make-over for my blog here . You can too! Check it out now!

Reflections...Release...

i'm hoping that by writing this my brain will quiet, and i will be able to focus on the more important, however more mundane tasks of the day. The description that Hermione gives, of a woman's mind, in OotP is so true...where Ron then states "One person couldn't possibly think all that! Their head'd explode!" Well, our heads don't explode do they ladies...but they do spin. Especially for those of us that have any adequate number of brain cells. i have so much on my mind today for whatever reason. i just feel intense...and i don't like it. Hmmm, where to even start...

Love Never Fails...a lovely sentiment, and yet, it can mean so many things. Just because it never fails, it also does not give any light to it's strength, or how it succeeds...love never fails...but it can change, and manipulate....and do things you would never imagine.

I used to always truly believe that every person has one soul mate in life....not even just someone they love, but someone that they are truly intented for...nieve...yes...optimistic..yes...but I'm trying so hard lately not to harden my heart...darken my views, and slip into pessimism. Anyways...I used to truly believe that...I still do to some extent, but there is a part of me now that questions. Do we end up with who we do b/c of our circumstances, and how we react? Could it be possible that there are really any number of people on this planet that we could be happy with, and that it's all a matter of chance who ends up being the actual one we decide on? Or...could it only appear that way, even though we really were intended to be with, who we're with, from the very beginning?

It also goes without saying, that as time passes, the once exciting, becomes routine. How do you bring in change and keep things interesting? How do you rekindle passion, and desire...excitement, and electricity...or do you even need to? Is it merely a stage, that will never be revisited?

Something that scares me...that I can tell at this very minute is in my nature, is that I now have an understanding of some of my fathers actions in life. While I don't condone them in the least...it scares me that a small part of me can empathize. Something I read the other day said a pisces is never truly satisfied...and that they tend to flit from thing to thing to feed their constand desire for change...for excitement. This describes my father to a T...and quite honestly...in my crating/hobby life, it describes me as well. I have to be really passionate about something for it to truly hold my interest for an extended period of time. So then that begs the gut wretching question of ... would it be possible for this quality to spill over into other area's of my life? I hope not. I've said for the entirety of my life thus far...that my one and only MAJOR goal, is to not end up life my father...and some of my siblings for that matter...so the question is...will I remain happy enough...or be willing to be miserable enough, whichever the case may be should something arise, when the time comes?

This really is very theraputic...I should do it more often...but I don't have the time. Why? I'm not sure...honestly, I caught a horrible procrastination bug about 4 years ago, and for whatever reason I just can't shake it! It seems the only things I can get done quickly and efficiently like I used to be able to, are things that i am extremely passionate about...or things that are of dire importance. I don't know what's wrong with me...I never used to be this way....I used to have loads and loads of things to do...and always get all of them done...and so now, it doesn't feel right not to have loads to do...but I hate having loads to do, and then being able to get it done and let others down. It's a vicious cycle...and my fatigue is not helping...I presume it will be in full force soon.

i really do love to write..i just wish I had more interesting things to say, and possibly more intelligent! Bt I am what I am, and I do what I can, and that's all I can do. I think i am going to start working on my character history today, so that should be a fun change of pace, and get some creative juices flowing.

I suppose that's all for now, but the release I feel is great, so i know I will be returning often, to empty my mind, and calm my heart.

Awakening...

Ugh, I don't even know where to begin. I don't plan for much on this site to sound proffessionally written, more like me talking, and just thinking out loud.

Looking back on past blog posts and such, I feel like I've changed so much again since some of them were written. There's so many things that have laid dormant in me for so long. That I'd given up on a long time ago, and in doing so lost a piece of myself. Well, I'm sick of that. I've never been a quitter! I've never given up easily! It's time for a change. One of my biggest problems was support...not having support for the things you want to do, makes them that much more difficult, but you know what, I want my sense of self back, so I'm going to trudge ahead! I'm at a point in my life, where there are people that I thought would support me in anything I wanted to do...who would be here for me no matter what...and that's weakened me...I've used it as a crutch...but no more. I never had help or support growing up, I just had me...so I trudged on, and made it without anyone else. That's what I need to do again now. There are people in my life that I love with every ounce of my being, and I hope that they will stay beside me...but if not, I'll keep doing what I'm used to, relying on myself to get through, and to make something better for myself.

There's a part of me that has been dead for the last few years...I killed it b/c I thought that's what I was supposed to do...but I refuse to believe that we can't have what we want if we try hard enough. I refuse to believe that there are goals too big...unrealistic...maybe...but that's me. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE being "Kelley the Wife" and "Kelley the Mom" but, I also just want to be Kelley. I've gotten so lost in wanting to do these other parts of me well, that I've lost the things that make me, me. But now, I'm going to get them back. It won't be easy, and it might not even be fun...but no one said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.

I also realize that change isn't easy to swallow for some. That some of you will read this and wonder what is going on, or who I am...realize that this is the me I've been all along...but was just hiding away for a bit. Realize that there are things that will never change, and realize that I need you more than you know. I'm so sick of people in my life letting me down, so I'm done. Either you're with me, or don't bother. I don't have the time or the energy for people in my life that care too much about themselves to ever think of others.

There are a lot of things I'm still confused about right now...that I don't know exactly what I want...but I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure it out...I'm trying to find a balance and make the most of every day, and this one and only life I have.

So if you're with me, I welcome you with open arms...and if you're not, I'm better off.

"Favorite Past-times"

I'm starting a new series called "Favorite Past-times" in which I will re-visit happenings from my youth...sometimes good, sometimes bad, some will have lessons, and some will just be memorable for one reason or another! Hopefully all will be entertaining! ;) I'd love it if you join me too! I'm going to get a button up soon...but if you decide to join, just post whenever the mood strikes, and something that fits comes along! Don't forget to link back to this blog when you do!

So here's my first

It's an incredible thing...young love, first love, the feeling of being wanted, chosen, and well, loved. I still remember it clearly... I was going along, the same as any other day, doing what I had always done, and really feeling slightly depressed from being so overwhelmed with school work and extra-curricular activities.

I was caught completely off-guard. I never would have guessed in a million years, that this handsome, desirable (as in others were interested), older (by two years) guy would be interested in talking to me...and as it turns out dating me! He said Hello! And I replied. He introduced himself, and I remember feeling a little nervous, and the next thing I know, he was asking me over to hang out, then to be his girlfriend! All in a whirl whind of about 2 days time. I was on top of the world. I can't really describe it, but I'll do my best! It was such an incredible feeling to feel wanted, interesting, attractive, and well, just good enough. It was a very happy day. Although it didn't end well, I won't likely forget it anytime soon. It's a wonderous thing to feel confident and loved after many years of feeling unworthy and unloved, and not thin enough. If I could bottle it, and sell it...I would. Possibly more to come on this later...it's off to bed for me right now though.;D

Done

I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I'm done being the optimist, the caretaker, the peoplepleaser, the person who always tries to help others, the person who cares about everyone, but that no one cares about. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of letting people down, b/c I'm trying not to let anyone down. I'm sick of going nowhere b/c I'm trying to go everywhere. I'm sick of wanting more, when all I have, and will ever have is what I have now. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for my beautiful children, and my loving husband, that lord only knows why he actually loves me, but otherwise, I'm done trying. B/c as the saying goes "never try, never fail." It's not ambitious, it's not optimistic, but it's safe. I don't have to worry about being successful, or accomplished, all I have to worry about is getting through each day. And like I've told my husband, I'll be miserable, but at least everyone else will be happy, and at least I can be at peace knowing that there aren't a million and one things to do, for a million and one people, and a million and one things I want to do to help others, that will just go un-noticed anyways. I'm not happy about it...but I just need to start realizing, that this isn't a dream, I can't make my dreams come true, or even my goals aparently. This is just the way things are, and that's that. Well, now that that's out of the way back to finishing up more shit for other people so that I can finally be released of doing anything for others (except for my children and husband, I'll still do for them.)

I used to think that if I could help just one person, or make a difference in just one persons life than it would be worth it...but I haven't...and it's not. Even now I feel guilty that I'm being selfish and feeling bad for myself, but it is, what it is. I'm just not that person aparently. I'm not the person that people want to hang out with, or that people want to listen to, or work with...I just fade into the background. Try as I may, I just fade into the background...there won't be any legacy left like I always hoped, just empty shoes that some other nobody will fill.